Which basically translates to, "It's the time of year when the neighbors no longer have to leave their house for entertainment because NJ and I working in the yard will provide all the entertainment they need."
Aside from the occasional dead body being removed from our home via the garage, we've mostly managed to be respectable neighbors. We've even made neighbor friends. We're like Ozzie and, well, probably Sharon instead of Harriet, but whatever. Sharon has lost a ton of weight on the Atkins diet and Ozzie is just a doll.
Anyway, we've been having really nice weather and I've had this time on my hands lately, so today, while NJ was in a drug induced coma, I decided to tackle the daffodils that have taken over our front lawn. I got out my weed puller that, last year, resulted in me threatening to kill him as the people at the church next door to our old house were entering to get their weekly dose of the Lord and a bottle of vinegar because on the interwebs it said if you pour it in the holes after pulling the daffodil weeds, they won't grow back.
Minutes into Operation Daffodil Murder, I realized the small bottle of vinegar I had wouldn't put a dent in what I was facing, so I had to go to the Dollar General for more. When I got back, NJ was awake, sitting in his truck. Waiting for me.
His words?
"When I saw the gardening tools out, I wondered what in hell you thought you were doing?"
"I think I'm pulling daffodils with my weeding thingy and putting vinegar in the holes so they don't grow back." Like it wasn't totally obvious.
"Oh, you've been on the internet," he said, with mild disgust.
So, he left and when he got back he brought me a Diet Mountain Dew and another "present". Spectracide. He then felt the need to tell me to make sure I wasn't downwind from it so it didn't blow in my face. Dude, it was like way windy and I don't know how to figure out the downwind thing, so the odds of blinding myself were like 100%. Plus, I was trying to go all organic.
And, right as the neighbor across the street pulled up, he decided to tell me I should pull as much of the weeds with my hands as I could and then use my tool, to which I replied (possibly loudly), "Peg Leg, I didn't ask for your help and I started this project while you were sleeping for a reason. Since your gimpy ass can't help, take it back in the house."
But because I was raised right, I waved to the neighbor and said, "Hey, Girl!" She was laughing too hard to really respond, so I told her she won't have to leave the house for entertainment anymore. She and her old man can just get a drink, sit on their porch swing and watch NJ and I duke it out over him thinking he's the boss of me and being wrong.
I think she appreciated our willingness to save them so much money.
Before being wise enough to leave the house a second time, bitch ass told me I missed a spot and only had about 45 minutes of day light left. Yeah, cause I was going to finish all this in one day:
Unfortunately, the ex-hubs and wifey numero quatro pulled up a few minutes later and when she looked down at me while caking on more make-up, I cocked my weeding tool at her menacingly, like it was a gun.
I'd be lying if I said using my garden tool to intimidate her didn't make dealing with NJ totally worth it.
Or think maybe the entertainment the neighbors get this summer will be less about me trying to be a gardener while also threatening to kill my husband and more about me using my tools as a weapon to chase her off my lawn.
Man, I'm excited for all the prospects spring has in store this year!
Aside from the occasional dead body being removed from our home via the garage, we've mostly managed to be respectable neighbors. We've even made neighbor friends. We're like Ozzie and, well, probably Sharon instead of Harriet, but whatever. Sharon has lost a ton of weight on the Atkins diet and Ozzie is just a doll.
Anyway, we've been having really nice weather and I've had this time on my hands lately, so today, while NJ was in a drug induced coma, I decided to tackle the daffodils that have taken over our front lawn. I got out my weed puller that, last year, resulted in me threatening to kill him as the people at the church next door to our old house were entering to get their weekly dose of the Lord and a bottle of vinegar because on the interwebs it said if you pour it in the holes after pulling the daffodil weeds, they won't grow back.
Minutes into Operation Daffodil Murder, I realized the small bottle of vinegar I had wouldn't put a dent in what I was facing, so I had to go to the Dollar General for more. When I got back, NJ was awake, sitting in his truck. Waiting for me.
His words?
"When I saw the gardening tools out, I wondered what in hell you thought you were doing?"
"I think I'm pulling daffodils with my weeding thingy and putting vinegar in the holes so they don't grow back." Like it wasn't totally obvious.
"Oh, you've been on the internet," he said, with mild disgust.
So, he left and when he got back he brought me a Diet Mountain Dew and another "present". Spectracide. He then felt the need to tell me to make sure I wasn't downwind from it so it didn't blow in my face. Dude, it was like way windy and I don't know how to figure out the downwind thing, so the odds of blinding myself were like 100%. Plus, I was trying to go all organic.
And, right as the neighbor across the street pulled up, he decided to tell me I should pull as much of the weeds with my hands as I could and then use my tool, to which I replied (possibly loudly), "Peg Leg, I didn't ask for your help and I started this project while you were sleeping for a reason. Since your gimpy ass can't help, take it back in the house."
But because I was raised right, I waved to the neighbor and said, "Hey, Girl!" She was laughing too hard to really respond, so I told her she won't have to leave the house for entertainment anymore. She and her old man can just get a drink, sit on their porch swing and watch NJ and I duke it out over him thinking he's the boss of me and being wrong.
I think she appreciated our willingness to save them so much money.
Before being wise enough to leave the house a second time, bitch ass told me I missed a spot and only had about 45 minutes of day light left. Yeah, cause I was going to finish all this in one day:
Unfortunately, the ex-hubs and wifey numero quatro pulled up a few minutes later and when she looked down at me while caking on more make-up, I cocked my weeding tool at her menacingly, like it was a gun.
I'd be lying if I said using my garden tool to intimidate her didn't make dealing with NJ totally worth it.
Or think maybe the entertainment the neighbors get this summer will be less about me trying to be a gardener while also threatening to kill my husband and more about me using my tools as a weapon to chase her off my lawn.
Man, I'm excited for all the prospects spring has in store this year!
8 comments:
I'm proud of you for trying to hug the tree, but regular vinegar won't really work. You need extra strength stuff and a lot of it. So much in fact, that neighbors stop and ask why your yard smells like ass.
I like your gardening style, makes me kinda sad I don't have neighbors to try this technique out on! Keep Calm and, oh heck, never mind, just Garden on my friend!
It makes the story even better being that hose aren't daffodils. Which are a lovely bulb. Those are dandelions. Which do need killing.
Two posts in two days.
Hog heaven.
Bill
Daffodils. Ha ha ha. Dandelions are also edible...until you spray them with poison, then not so much.
I was going to go all gardening commando on you and inform you that they weren't daffodils (which people pay good money for), they were dandelions (which people pay to have other people kill with Roundup), but I see it's already been done, Maybe gardening isn't your gig. I hear a couple tons of small rocks can be a nice ground cover.
I too wondered about the daffodil thing until I saw the picture of all the dandelions! I could just see you going all bad ass on a bunch of beautiful bulbs with a weed eater and then I KNEW what a treat your neighbors really are in for this growing season!
Okay, in my defense, I'd taken a huge muscle relaxer and may or may not have washed it down with two beers when I wrote this, hence my confusion. Oh hell, who am I kidding? I would've said the wrong thing either way.
Post a Comment