Tuesday, December 18, 2012

I'm going to write some stuff and it's going to be pretty sad. Then I'm going to post a video and it's sad, too. So, basically this entire post is going to be depressing. Consider yourself warned.

I meant to write this post about an hour ago, while my nails dried, but my FIL came into the kitchen looking for something. He doesn't know who I am anymore. He doesn't know Grace either. Thankfully, Max is with his dad and doesn't have to see the quick decline we're witnessing. But, he did let me make him a drink and I ruined my nails getting him ice and putting it in a spill proof cup, because he can't hold things anymore either. I'm not fixing them.

I held his drink to his mouth and then made him some eggs. Eggs I had to feed him because he couldn't hold the spoon. 

A week ago, he was cutting up and getting around just fine. Grace decided to surprise him at her choir concert and sing him his favorite song as her Christmas present to him since we knew this would likely be the last and wanted to make sure to do something special while he was still strong enough to get out.

Now, hospice has come in and the time we have left with him is being measured in days. Not weeks. Not months. Days. 

The hospice nurse told us once a patient reaches this point, wanting him to hold on is more for the family and not the person suffering because, honestly, he doesn't even know where he is anymore and he's not living anyway-he's existing. I get that. Or at least my brain does. My heart wants a miracle and for him to be back to his witty, smart ass self and for all of this to go away. 

This afternoon, I will travel to my hometown where my best friend of 30 years and I will spend the next two days watching as our best friend of 20+ years buries her mother. Our hearts are already broken. Over the next two days, as we support our beautiful friend, they will break to the point where we feel like they can't break anymore.

But I know they can. 

Because in just a few days I'll be back in that same funeral home, saying goodbye to a man who hasn't been in my life long at all, but who has changed my family's life in ways we never imagined. Despite his many imperfections and all the mistakes he made with NJ when he was a boy, he made us better. He made us closer. He made our hearts more open.

We will say goodbye to a man we didn't get enough time with.

Just like my best friend didn't get enough time with her mother. Her sweet, beautiful, talented mother who also changed the lives of everyone with whom she came in contact. 

Here is the performance my FIL missed last night. Ignore the part where the mic falls apart and throws Grace off for a second. 

Twenty minutes before this performance, my Gracie was in tears because her PaPaw didn't know who she was when she went to welcome him home. Her strength and resilience astound me. 

PaPaw did get to see the video while I made his eggs. I turned around to see him wiping away tears, like maybe for a moment he knew who she was.

I had to hide my own face so he wouldn't see the tears streaming down my face. 

I have to be strong for him. I have to be strong for NJ and for my kids. 

But tonight? While Rosa and I are alone at her house, I don't have to be strong. I can be a big snotty mess and she'll be a snotty mess right along with me. 

And this time I'm bringing the damn corkscrew because I think we're going to need it.


Laney G said...

Grace sings beautifully. I'm glad your gpaw got to see that. I know it's hard hun. Just make the best of it and try to make memories and things he may remember like he did when he watched Grace sing. Will be thinking of ya'll and praying for ya'll. I know it's hard. You're probably stronger than you think you are.

Allenspark Lodge said...

The video is great.

But "sad" doesn't really cover the rest.

I am so sorry.


Hillary said...

Grace did an outstanding job!! It's probably all because she had a top-notch care giver when she was very little. :) I'm so sorry to hear about your FIL. It's so sad but at least he's in a wonderful home surrounded by those who love him the most! Prayers for you all!


Loco YaYa said...

sending you some love mama. Grace looked and sang beautifully. hang in there.

and definitely get the corkscrew.

janneba said...

wonderful singing sad blog will be praying for you and yours.

GunDiva said...

If I *had* put on mascara this morning, it would all be in a runny, snotty mess around my eyes.

I'm sorry your FIL's decline has been so sudden and quick and that you'll lose that part of your heart so very soon.

epic said...

Tears, prayers and hugs for all of you.

Tawanna said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your FIL declining in health. Very sad how life can be. Very good read and touching. He got to see and hear Graces's beautiful voice. :) and yes that corkscrew is quite helpful in the snotty mess times. ;)

michelle said...

hugs for you and grace sang beautifully at least your FIL is with people who love and care for him

Aunt Crazy said...

My sister wife, fellow SGG member, I love you. Gracie sang so beautifully and I could not be more proud of her if I had pushed her big head through my lady parts myowndamnself. I know it was an emotional time for her and she stood strong and showed the true love and honor she has for her Pawpaw and her family. A loss like you've suffered this week is hard enough and to follow it up with knowing that something so gutwrenching is coming right behind it leaves you raw with pain and anger and grief.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and yours!!!

Love you bunches!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Music can touch our souls in many ways that we don't understand. I'm certain your FIL totally recognized the beautiful gift that your Gracie gave him in this video.
So sorry to hear that you are struggling through so much sadness and pain lately. I know you're strong and I'm glad you have good friends to get you through. Still, I hope you get a break from all this soon!

MrsLissiJ said...

Just joined your blog....LOVE it! So cute!