Saturday, November 10, 2012

The News of my FIL's Passing Was Surprising, Especially to Him

Last Saturday my FIL came walking into the living room with the look on his face most often reserved for one's spouse or child when they do something so moronic you really want to be mad at them but you can't because of their level stupidity prevents them from making better decisions. 

We were like, "What's up Papaw?" 

And he was like, "I've spent the entire morning convincing everyone I'm not dead."

Uh, come again?

Well, as it turns out, some of his friends from his old hood had a few too many drinks and convinced themselves he had passed on to be with the Lord.

Rather than trying to confirm this information with the suspected dead and the family who cares for him, they took it upon themselves to notify his other family of his passing. 

This caused panic to ensue and his phone to ring off the hook by everyone but the accusers, but including his ex-wife. 

I'm sure when she called to confirm his passing, she was shocked when he, the dead man, answered the phone because normally dead men just let their phones go to voice mail since it's hard to push that green "answer" button when you're dead.

Upon obtaining the details of his passing, he called his accuser and asked why he didn't just call to see if my FIL had in fact passed.

The bearer of bad news response?

"Well, if you were dead, you wouldn't answer the phone." 

No shit, Sherlock. But if he was alive, he'd totally answer the phone. So you had a 50/50 chance there. 

This is one of my dead family members. I think it's my grandfather, but
I can't be sure because when I ask, everyone gets their panties in
a wad. Dude, he died six years before I was born, so how the hell
am I supposed to identify his dead body? So, while I'm not sure
how I am related to the dead man, I do know he's not my FIL because he
was in the kitchen like two hours ago eating cheese.

I told the FIL he was in good company because people have totally started rumors that Johnny Depp and Ray Stevens are dead. Granted, I may have started the Ray Stevens thing, but my FIL was shocked to know he was actually alive, which is further proof that my powers are fear reaching.

He was just glad he wasn't in the same rumor circle as Elvis. Cause, you know, he actually is dead.

So, the new rule is to not spread the word my FIL is dead unless the words come from the mouth of either NJ or me. 

Not gonna lie, I do love having the power to verbally kill him off whenever the mood strikes.


Allenspark Lodge said...

GREATLY exaggerated.


Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous said...

I think I'd quite like to have a rumour spread around that I was dead ... well, not to the bank of course. Those bastards are awful when it comes to shutting down accounts if they think you're dead. I've heard that turning up and saying "I'm not dead" doesn't even convince them, they want proof! I'm not sure what qualifies as proof. A DNA test maybe?

Answers? I don't know the questions. said...

I have a list of creditors that I will pay you good money to confirm my death. Also, will your powers work with the IRS?

Jodi said...

I can't decide if this is more funny or aggravating.

But at least he's not dead!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

Ah, the rumor mill. Gotta love it. I always enjoy watching stuff like this come back to bite the rumor spreader in the butt!