Sunday, October 17, 2010

A Story About Why We Maybe Don't Tattoo Someone's Name on Our Body

Once upon a time, NJ thought he'd met his one and only and decided to make his maiden voyage down the aisle. As is often the case with those making that first trip down the aisle, he went into it with the romantical notion that he and his young (and I do mean young) bride would be together forever. So sure was he of their everlasting love, he went out and got this:




For those who maybe can't read what the arrow is pointing to, that would be the ex-wife's name. Precious, no? Touching, no? Maybe not the best idea, but his optimism regarding the outcome of his marriage is kind of sweet, no?

As often happens during times of war, his wife's National Guard unit was activated and she had to travel to a foreign land to do whatever the hell it is she does/did for the military. A few months later, when she came home for R&R, she, too, had something on her body (or more accurately, in it):


Knowing a little bit about how babies are made and knowing that he'd not travelled to the location where she was deployed, he was about eleventy billion percent sure the baby she was cooking in her belly was not his. 

That right there? Was a deal breaker. 

But, as luck would have it, NJ found love again. This time with the beautiful, smart, sweet (I can be sweet, dammit) and talented girl he loved when he was 11. At first, the tattoo didn't bother his new super awesome lady love because she figured we all do stupid shit, but then NJ made the mistake of saying, "Really? Because if you had some dude's name tattooed on you, it would bug the hell out of me and I'd really want you to cover it up." 

From that point on, the tattoo became the bane of his hot-like-a-super-model girlfriend's existence.

Many promises were made to cover it up and many promises were broken. Some of them were legitimate-like when he was sick and said it would probably be a bad idea if he went into a coughing fit while getting his tattoo. Some of them were not so much-like when he said it would hurt really bad even though he has 15 other tattoos. His girlfriend was not pleased with all the excuses and began contemplating how to dispose of his body after she got done hacking him up into tiny little pieces with the knife he bought her.

Sensing his impending death and/or the fact that he had to choose between keeping the tattoo or keeping the crazy hot woman (some might say just crazy which would lead to some getting punched in the liver) he supposedly loved, last evening NJ made his way to the local tattoo parlor and got this:


As it turns out, that whole thing about it hurting reeeaaaalllllyyyy bad wasn't just a lame excuse. At one point, NJ's smart-like-Einstein girlfriend thought he might pass out from the pain and decided to stop taunting him and making the tattoo artist bust out laughing. She felt it was only right since he was finally doing what he promised he would several months ago. Plus, she was kind of worried that he might stroke out right there on the table. And yes, she would've requested the tattoo be completed before he received medical attention.

Now everything is right with the world again and NJ's girlfriend knows he's willing to endure pain so bad it makes him get that metallic taste in his mouth just to prove how much he loves her.

Which may seem petty, but maybe you don't judge until you've been curled up with the man you love and go to give him a little kiss on the chest, only to find you're kissing his ex-wife's name. 

Plus, he started it.

The end.

13 comments:

Zen Mama said...

What's that little creature looking think with a large penis on the other side of his chest? That HAS to be another post!

YM said...

The look on his face in the second photo is priceless. It shows his relief in knowing he's not going to wake up dead some morning because you got all stabby during the night.

Anonymous said...

Zen Mama...think Batman :)

Julie said...

Great post! Made me all warm and giggly. Oh how I remember seeing my ex-hub's new wife with his name tattooed on her. I thought she was so dumb and thanked God I would never be as stupid as her.

I have to say he picked a perfect tattoo for the cover up. The stabby rose of Texas. Plus, you get props for making your man bend to your almighty power.

Anonymous said...

Your woman powers will be legendary henceforth!!!

Robin said...

I think you should become a lawyer. You have made an excellent case for not getting a person's name tattooed on your body for any reason at any time. I really think it should be a law. People should have to get a lawyer and pay an additional fee for that service so that they REALLY THINK ABOUT THE IDIOT THINK THEY ARE DOING. It could save lives.

Allenspark Lodge said...

I'm not sure.... do I see shades of purple in that knife?

Bill

Michelle Hoad said...

bout damn time

Teisha said...

At least he doesn't have a tramp stamp - wait, he doesn't right? - 'cause 1) that would be weird and 2) I may or may not have one that I hate with a burning passion.

Foursons said...

Would that tattoo be the knife you were going to use to hack him to bits?

True love= enormous tattoo.

Awe.

Mr. Daddy said...

I'm such a wimp, don't like pain of any kind....So I guess I will go to my grave without any Tat's on my body at all....

If Rach wants me to Tattoo her name on my body, it will have to be one of those stick on dye types...LOL

Just saying....

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

You are so right. Never, ever put significant others name on body, NEVER! My sister made the dumb mistake of putting her ex-husbands name right on her arm. After her divorce, she got a HUGE cover up tattoo that doesn't even really cover up the name. You can still see it without looking that carefully. And now she's incarcerated. Connection to stupid choices-maybe?!

Bonnie Smith said...

Ok - SO SO SO SO late in commenting. But honey? I have my ex's initials tattooed on me. Where, you ask? On the back of my neck. And, no, my man is NOT happy about it. Plans are in the works to get it covered, believe me. Well, it's that or have it bitten off. My choice, he said :).