Monday, July 19, 2010

Dead Peckers and Switchblades

(I know I need to post the second part of the 4th of July thing, but I had to post this while it was fresh on my brain. I'll do the 4th thing tomorrow. Or never. I don't know.)

This weekend found me in Arkansas. It's a long story that involves clean underwear and me being broke due to my little brush with local law enforcement. I've already deleted this post like 40 times due to length issues, so I'm not going into it.

I had a feeling this would be a good trip when I saw a Mennonite in the Wal-Mart cause I think the Amish and Mennonite people are adorable and I want to hug them. I may or may not also have a desire to tickle Amish men under their beards. In addition to not allowing me to photograph the Mennonite lady in the Wal-Mart, NJ also requested I not hug or tickle them. He may have also rolled his eyes at me. Whatever. He's not the boss of me. Next Amish or Mennonite person I see? I'm totally giving them a bear hug. If they're little, I might even pick them up and swing them around. It's gonna be awesome.

****

This particular county was dry and, even though I brought beer because I think ahead like that, NJ learned his stay was going to be much longer than the 18 beers I purchased him would last. That meant we had to go in search of a wet county. Yeah, cause that's not a recipe for disaster. Or at least random adventure.

Okay, first off, did y'all know there's like this booming wine business in Arkansas? Like vineyards and junk? Me neither. I was all like, "Shut the front door, look at all those vineyards." But NJ didn't hear me because a) he tunes me out sometimes for his own sanity and b) he spotted an old Budweiser sign on the horizon. He was like, "If that's a bar, we're stopping because I bet it's cool." Uh, duh. That's what we do. Don't know why you think you gotta announce it.

But, when we pulled in front of the bar, we both looked at this sign:

And then we looked at each other and he was like, "How do we keep finding these places?" He knows the answer, he's just not ready to come to terms with it.

There were only like eight people in the entire bar, counting us and apparently I missed a huge portion of their shenanigans because I had to go in search of the ATM card pin number (the bar is cash only) since NJ hasn't yet received the memo that I'm not Rain Man and can't remember every single number I've ever looked at. But, I wasn't back 10 minutes before a drunk and disorderly man asked me if I wanted to mud wrestle for beer. Then, a few minutes later, he got all belligerent at the nice lady bartender and said he was never coming back and went stumbling out. The five remaining people at the bar were like, "He's on the crank. Bad. You'd think since he just got out of prison for making it, he would've learned his lesson." And "just got out" was pretty accurate since he'd only been out since 2009.

I guess in addition to making you loud, pissy, obnoxious and a convicted felon, the crank also makes you not so much keep your word, since he was back in about 20 minutes and swore he'd be good. When the man came in the with the homemade beef jerky for sale (NJ swore it rocked. It had the word "swamp" in the title and was a beef product, so I'm taking his word for it) and they realized Swamp Man knew Crank Man's family, I almost shot beer out of my nose when Crank Man said, "I moved away for about four years and I just moved back." Guess how long he was in prison.

Around 10:00, which also happened to be last call, another guy who had been there for nine hours told a story about some people that escaped the local halfway house living in a tent under his house. I knew we should probably go ahead and leave at that point since I think NJ and I both had to lay our heads down on the bar cause we were laughing so hard. We were the only ones laughing, so maybe it wasn't supposed to be a funny story.

You know what the bartender did when we left? She hugged us. And we're not even Amish. I love her and I hope that we're related even though I stand by my assertion that not everyone from Arkansas is related.

****

Since the night was still young, we went to meet NJ's friends at the hotel pool, but had to stop to get Dr. Pepper for my vanilla rum (cause that just sounded so good at the time and still does). I found myself in need of peeing, so I handed NJ the drink and told him to go pay for it. After he got done beating on the bathroom door cause he knows I can't pee with an audience and thinks he's a comedian, he presented me with a little gift in the car. It's a purple switchblade. A laser sharpened one and he demonstrated its sharpness for me by shaving a little hair off his arm. Nothing says lovin' like buying your slightly insane girlfriend a switchblade. He said he got me purple cause it matches my cellphone. I'd be lying if I didn't say I love him just a little more for that.

I was like, "Score, Babe, now when I say I'm stabby, I totally have something to back me up." And I immediately stuck it in my bra because I've always thought if I had a knife, that's where I'd keep it.

In order to make sure I could work my knife and retain use of all my fingers, NJ ran drills with me making me open and close it. I have to say, it may make me a little less gangster when I'm closing my eyes and holding it far, far away from me to open it and squealing as I do it. Also, taking away from my badassedness is me hollering, "I can't close it. It'll mess up my nail polish." He was like, "Seriously, Babe?" Uh, yeah seriously cause my nails are cute right now.

But, two 32 oz. Dr. Pepper and vanilla rums later on top of the four beers I had earlier, I may or may not have sent Aunt Crazy a text message that said: "He's teaching me how to bust it out like a greaser. He's also giving me booze. I'm practically an Outsider."

Her reply? "It is now official. You are soft and a killer bitch at the same time. Only YOU can manage that shit."

My friend's baby daddy (also Hispanic) said he must either be suicidal or a Mexican.

NJ asked if he was maybe going to regret giving me that knife.

I just smiled sweetly and said I always try to be a nice lady.

20 comments:

Allenspark Lodge said...

The "Dead Pecker Inn"? Really? Guess I can't say anything, here in Colorado we have a package booze store called the "Little Beaver Liquors". Has a picture of a cute cartoon big tailed rat-like critter on it.

Bill

Leiah said...

Because I love you:

http://law.rightpundits.com/?p=1986

I love it when That Man buys me Power Tools - I bet it's the same as your switchblade. When we go on the great American Crazy, Rusty Roadtrip you're in charge of security and I'll hire out as the DIY Diva to earn us money for drinks and nail polish.

PS: All afternoon I've been singing Zac Brown Band "Sic 'em on a Chicken" and laughing and laughing...

Candance said...

Bill: That's so great! Cause I'm a 14-year-old boy, I can laugh at that kind of stuff all day.

Leiah: I'm guessing the Crazy Rusty Roadtrip will be in October to Austin, right? It's right around both of our birthdays. OMG, with me cutting bitches and you fixing stuff up, we'd have really cute nails. And me way drunk.

Okay, the Sic 'em on a Chicken made me laugh soooo hard. Especially cause when I wrote this, I was thinking about our conversations from earlier. OMG, we're wrong. Funny, but way wrong. And I'm loving that chicken caught on with yet one more person!

Melanie said...

My mama was Mennonite (my grandma is still one) but was "shunned" when she married my daddy. He was a Southern Baptist. It was scandalous. I read your posts out loud to Hubby and when I got to the part about the switchblade he said "Isn't this the woman that said she'd cut a bitch? And he bought her a knife??" It made me laugh out loud! Apparently the irony was not lost on him :)

YM said...

In my next life I want to be you.

Zen Mama said...

Okay, now I am "officially" worried. I liked it much better when you used your pretend weapons.

Had a group of Amish people on my plane this weekend. First, felt it would make the flight safer but then thought, wait a minute, Amish people don't fly. Maybe they are terrorists in disguise. But I agree, I wanted to hug them too. Instead I just stared in awe at the fabric and sewing on their frocks.

Jennifer Juniper said...

Bean had a switchblade once. He also has a scar on his thigh from playing with it, becaue Bean and sharp objects (and two wheels and curbs and walking a chewing gum at the same time) don't go
very well together.

Screwed Up Texan said...

I was fooling around in bed last week and cut my foot on my husband's deer knife. It probably needed stitches but we just went with the butterfly bandages. Oh, and since then I've been carrying a knife on me because I totally think its cool.

Pamela Hill said...

O.M.G.
That's all... I just love you!! HAHAHAHHA

GoneCrazy said...

I was worried about what you did to NJ when I read that title.

Robin said...

ROFL. When you referenced The Outsiders I nearly fell off my bed. Of course, you followed it up by the squealing and nail polish. I'm sure you'd fit right in.

I bought a stun gun about five years ago. I walked around all badass. I showed all of my friends how it worked by turning it on. You could see the electricity spark between the two ends. It crackled something fierce. Did I use it on anyone? No. One of my smarter friends pointed out that in order for it to work I had to touch the person with the gun. Probably that person would be stronger than me, so I would be the one getting stunned. It sorta took the fun outta the whole thing.

Plus it was so big I couldn't carry it in my bra.

Tracie said...

Leiah told me about you on Saturday night. (That's a good thing, btw.) I think you two are hilarious. Can't wait till you go to the pageant together.

Robert said...

Awesome. "vanilla rum", wasn't that a tune by Prince. A gallon of vanilla rums on top of who knows how many beers. And now your are armed and dangerous. I am just hoping those Arkansas rednecks survive your visit.

Not to be a buzz kill. But Sweetie, it is totally illegal to carry a switch blade knife in Texas. You would be looking at a year in the county with some of Cranks friends. Unless of course you hired me and I would get you off. But for real, don't be carrying around that automatic Ozark frog sticker in your bra. (no matter how sexy that seems to me as I sit here thinking about it). :D

Purple Cow said...

You have a very cool blog here Texas Mom...I'm a Crazy Athens Mom in Greece. Robin matched us up...and I'm glad she did. It's gonna be fun reading you.

Take care!

Aunt Crazy said...

Our drunk texts were the bomb and all my bitches enjoyed me reading them out loud all weekend...LOL

Am I included in the American Crazy, Rusty Roadtrip???

I can't cook, I don't clean, and I can't sew, but I'm funny and I have cute hair, and well, I just need to be included dammit!

Maybe by October, I'll have learned some skill to go along with cutting bitches and the ability to DIY with power tools.

Hey...I have a set of pink tools wiht a tool case and everything...does that help??? If not, I'll be the designated smoker and driver of the group!!!

Aunt Crazy said...

P.S. Uncle Bubba's ringtone is "Sic 'em on a Chicken" bwahahaha...seriously it is, I wouldn't lie!!!

Michelle Hoad said...

seriously? You thought it was not going to be a longer trip than an 18 beer trip? That's like an afternoon if you you take it easy. You should have known better.

Small Town Girl said...

Oh I just know all kinds of stories are going to come from that gift. The gift that keeps on giving....

Candance said...

Melanie: I'd totally hug your mama, despite all the scandal and junk. And I'm so jealous of your mennonite people. So jealous.

See, your hubby would never buy me a knife. I mean, not that he would anyway cause he's your hubby, not mine, but you know what I mean.

YM: It sounds way more fun than it is. Trust me.

Zen Mama: I love my knife. Maybe too much. Sometimes, when I drive, I just hold it.

Amish? On the plane? Yep, would've totally gotten off and caught the next flight. Unless they let me hug them. Then I would've known they weren't terrorists because I don't think they're very huggy.

Jennifer J: I tried to close it while merging onto the interstate. We almost had a situation. Made me think of this comment.

Allie: I read it. I wasn't able to reply. Partly due to internet issues. Partly due to laughing so hard I was unable to type.

Pamela: I know and I love you back, Girl!

GoneCrazy: That worry would be well-placed for the trip I just got back from. Luckily, he not only knows how to apologize, but also does apologize.

Robin: I love "The Outsiders" and I'm glad I made you laugh.

Me having a stun gun would result in me getting stunned. By me. Seriously. There was a mace incident that would prove I'm not lying.

Tracie: YAY for coming here!! I'm so stoked she chatted me up and we're totally going to rock the pageant. I can't wait til we get to go!!

Robert: Okay, everyone survived my visit, but the illegal knife thing scared me. NJ tried to talk me down, but I didn't understand him, so instead of it living in my bra, it just lives in my car. And, I totally know where your law office is-just in case.

Purple Cow: A big thanks to Robin for sending you here and YAY that you like it and want to come back!! I hope we hear from you lots!!

Aunt Crazy: Pink tools?!?! I'm so jealous!! And y'all have to cuddle with me in October. All of y'all for hanging out on Saturday while I was here celebrating that kid's birthday!

The "Sic 'em on a Chicken" thing is killing me, y'all!

Michelle: I know. I was in Carrie Underwood's home town and I really hate her, so I was trying to hurry.

Small Town Girl: Yeah, you can pretty much count on it. Me? With a knife? It's just crazy, but I like it!

Butch Hawkins said...

I run the karaoke at the Dead Pecker. This story seems pretty typical. And I am not completely sure but I think I was there that night. LOL

BTW they take credit and debit cards now. :-)