Friday, December 25, 2009

Christmas Journal-2009

Christmas Eve
9:30ish A.M.: The snow the weatherman (yes, Pete Delkus, I'm talking to you) first said had no chance of falling and then said would fall around noon begins to fall. Home and cell phones begin ringing insanely with parents, child and ex-husband telling me if I plan to head to G.P. I should get on the road ASAP. After numerous calls, I finally snap at all parties involved, "I could go a lot faster if y'all would stop calling me!!" Ex-husband, sensing my frustration and suddenly remembering why it is we are no longer married, offers to make me coffee for the road. Sometimes ex-husband rocks.

11:30 A.M.: Finally arrive at ex-husband's. Get coffee. It is delicious. Am buckling Max into the car, still in his driveway, when cell phone rings. Ex tells me to put phone in backseat so I am not tempted to text, call or respond to either. Good idea since I have attention span of gnat. Am not out of his neighborhood before I receive text. It's from ex. It says, "If you are reading this, you better be at your mother's." He's a comedian.

11:30-12:00 P.M.: Begin drive to Highland Village to pick up last minute gifts since the gift Snapfish promised would arrive by Christmas Eve did not and now I am forced to enter store on Christmas Eve so my parents will have something (Note to Snapfish: You are on my list.) under the tree. May possibly be driving a little under the speed limit due to snow falling much heavier than accustomed to (i.e. at all) and cars are whizzing past. Yell at offending cars, "Go ahead, Asshole, but when you skid on the ice that may or may not be on the other side of this hill, I'm not stopping to help you!!" Then remember something about failing to render aid I once learned in defensive driving and wish I could remember if it was punishable by jail time.

12:00-1:00 PM: Go to Deliah's then Target. Trying to block Max from wind and not drown on snowflakes flying up my nose because I once heard you could drown on as little as a teaspoon of water. Am sure more than a teaspoon has already shot up my nose and I'm on death's door. Shout loudly, "I am a southerner! I don't do snow!!" Man behind me laughs. Am certain he's a Yankee. Begin to navigate Christmas Eve hell trying to find last minute crap and cookie cutters because my mother has just informed me she has none, which will make decorating cookies for Santa slightly less fun. While trying not to slam my buggy into anyone, Max yells loudly, "Mom, why were you cussing at all those cars on the road!" Want to slam buggy into Max.

2:00ish PM: Arrive at parents' house. Carry in all the gifts and bags. Am numb and want to cry a little. Before I can get off coat and gloves, mom says I should move my car up in the driveway and maybe while I'm out there I can also go get gift boxes, icing, sprinkles, food coloring and look for cookie cutters again because my dad didn't get the right stuff. Moving car does not constitute going to stores. Want to know what I did to make her hate me.

2:30-3:30 PM: Begin hunt for Christmas boxes and cookie making stuff. There are no Christmas boxes, but do find cookie making stuff. See lots of people I went to high school with. Always hate that. Many look like they have been rode hard and put up wet. Feeling smug. Go to third store. Find boxes. Feeling more smug. Strange man with accent stands too close to me and says, "Merry Christmas, Pretty Lady". No longer feeling smug, but feeling very dirty. Need bath.

4:30 PM: Joy Fay on phone with my crazy aunt. Mother asks me if bear spray will kill a cat. I look at her like she has two heads. Grace is shooting Oreo out her nose because she's laughing so hard because she told nana about bear spray and how it's even better than mace. Ask mother if my aunt is trying to kill the cat. Her response? "She shot it in the butt with a BB gun, but it still keeps spraying her stuff." Walk out of room because both women are insane and don't need any encouragement from me.

9:00 PM: Begin baking and decorating cookies for Santa. Mother does not have flour, rolling pin or more than one baking sheet. Just stare at her in awe because, hell-o, she is a grandma.
2:00 AM: Need to pee. Decide it's as good as time as any to put out gifts from Santa and eat cookies. Notice both children put red on their cookies. Mama/Santa is allergic to red dye. Max is forgiven because he does not yet know mama=Santa. Grace is trying to kill me. Too tired to think to just put cookies in trash. Eat them both. Realize I have no Benadryl. Lay in bed and itch for over an hour. Note to self: next year, no red dye with the cookies.

7:30 AM: Ripped from a deep sleep where I was dreaming I was young and not beat down again by phone. Ex-husband sending text: "Merry Xmas. Get your ass out of bed!" Vow to stab him in his delicate man parts with ice pick upon seeing him next.

8:00 AM: Max rolls out of bed. Grace thinks her stocking has not been stuffed. I panic. Stocking has been stuffed, but everyone forgets for a moment as we look in awe at the first white Christmas any of us, minus Joy Fay, has ever seen. Then the unwrapping commences. Grace bought me shower curtain (pictured above) I wanted but wouldn't buy myself because the kids needed things. I almost cried.

9:30 AM: Joy Fay sends daddy for breakfast. Then cooks breakfast while he's gone. Seems odd, but okay. Then tries to force feed Max more food when daddy returns with breakfast. Max tries to fight her and the bacon off. She almost overtakes him, but he triumphs. He will never be the same, though.

10:00 AM: Children decide to play in snow. Max takes new Bionicles. Loses some part from all three. Hysterics commence. Grace finds two. Mommy thinks the other might be in the belly of a bird, but decides not to share theory with hysterical seven-year-old. He then blames me for letting him take them outside. Almost share bird theory. Decide to be nice since it's Christmas.

11:00 AM: Try to play Grace's new DS clothes designing game while she showers. Can't figure out how to put in my name. Am now Candah. Don't understand game. Hate DS. Hate clothes designing game.

3:00 PM: Begin packing for trip home. Find Benadryl. Cuss a blue streak.

4:00 PM: Finally get the car loaded and get on the road home. Am amazed at the new Best Buy, Lowes, and Panda Express. Wonder why no one told me they were so close to parents house and why I hadn't noticed them before when I'd come to visit. Would be because missed exit and was nearing the main post office in Dallas. Had to turn around. Max made snide comment. I pretended like I didn't hear him because it's Christmas.

5:00 PM: Deposited Max with ex-husband. Although expecting me, he didn't try to break up ice in driveway. Almost died twice. Vowed to sue him if I broke my hip. He did not take me seriously. He better be glad hip not broken, cause I'm so not kidding.

6:03 PM: Off to hang new fancy shower curtain (pictured above). And enjoy the silence of home. Too much Christmas. Glad won't have to deal with it again for 365 days.


Allenspark Lodge said...

My day now seems somehow...better now. Thanks.


Julia Eff said...

I love the format of this thing. You inspire me. And I'm glad it wasn't a flat-out disaster! :D

word verification: asaferia: the hysterics and tunnel-vision one gets when shoved into a crowded Target at two PM on the day before the day before Christmas.

Allenspark Lodge said...

Part of my comment didn't make it to the post yesterday. Probably due to an operator head spacing error.

Our son brought his family up from Phoenix to our lodge for Christmas. As his significant other was looking out the door at the Howling wind, 9 degree temperatures and foot of snow, she said "White Christmas's are highly over-rated".

Wise woman, that one.

Judy said...

Isn't family great! Aren't the Holidays wonderful! Uh, right!
Thanks for the laughs. I about choked on my coffee a couple of times!
Enjoy the silence. I completely understand!

epic said...

Busted my 49 (for anothe month) year old butt on the ice in the driveway. Not a fan of the White Christmas.

Thanks for the laughs!

GunDiva said...

Glad you made it home safely. You were a nicer mom than me. At one point, my daughter looked at me and asked if I couldn't be nice for just one day, after all it was Christmas. Let's clarify: by be nice she meant, let her do whatever the eff she wanted and not ask her to do anything she didn't want to do. Like starting the car in Allenspark with the Howling winds, 9 degree temperature and foot of snow. Yep, how could I have been so mean to ask her to just start the effing car after I'd just picked up all of her crap that I'd asked her to do a million times already?! Turns out she's still mad at me for not letting her drive home on Christmas Eve. She thinks it's because of the snow on the ground. It has more to do with the fact that I'd shared a large bottle of apple pie hooch with my family and was not legal to co-pilot her driver's permit ass.

Amen to having 365 days of NO Chrimstas!

justsomethoughts... said...

1. to be totally honest, i have never trusted pete delkus with ANYTHING.
2. am i allowed to say that the text from the ext was kind of cute ?
no? ok.
3. i actually asked for a crap-cutter this year. i didnt get one. jerks. (i am always being told to cut it, and you seemed to have found a place to buy one). crap.
4. it IS a cute curtain.

alicia said...

HOLY COW!!! And I thought MY day was bad!! However, I KNOW I can top you on the day after Christmas since I was woke up to this,"I smell GAS in the house and have called the gas company and you and the dogs have to leave NOW!!" Thank GOODNESS christmas only comes once a year!! Hooray for 364 days of NO CHRISTMAS!!!!

Malisa said...

Oh, my gosh, I laughed my ass off! Well, I wished I had laughed it off, but I looked in the mirror and it was still there! Damn! Anyway, thanks for the moments of levity!

Candance said...

Bill: Glad I made you laugh. It was a hell of a day and they're calling for snow again tomorrow. Why? Why? This is Texas!!

And, your son's significant other is simply brilliant.

Julia: That's the nicest thing anyone said to me the entire holiday.

Love the word verification!!

Judy: Oh, families are so special! Glad I made you laugh! Wish I had the silence back!

epic: Bless your heart, Girl. They're saying more snow tomorrow on the weather. Apparently someone didn't get the memo that we don't deal well with this stuff in Texas.

Glad I made you laugh!!

GunDiva: Okay, Apple Pie hooch?? That sounds sooo good!! You're comment totally made me laugh hard. I know I shouldn't have, but Lord, you cracked me up!!


1) He and Greg Fields are my go-to guys. I hope Pete and I don't have to break up over this because I can't watch the other weather guy. He's too hot and I can't concentrate on what he's saying.

2) Yes, the text was kind of cute, but we can't tell him that.

3) I have an aunt who shoots cats in the ass w/BB guns and a mother who once beat a woman up with her tennis shoes. I come equipped with a crap cutter. Sorry you didn't get one for Christmas. Just start being snarky to everyone, and for extra oomph, do it with a thick southern accent and you'll totally be in business ;0).

4) What you can't tell from the picture is that some of the stuff has fringe on it and some of the fringe is sparkly. Precious, no?

alicia: Yeah, you're day after wins hands down. Totally.

Malisa: I'm so glad I made you laugh. You crack me up with the comments about your ass! Seriously, I laugh out loud every time. You're a hoot, Lady!!

alicia said...

I forgot to ask you where did you getthe shower curtain/accesories from? We are remodeling our master bath and I just LOVE this!!! If u get a chance, swing by Bey Bath and Beyond and look up Dress to Thrill Shower curtain. SO cool and DEF considering it.

Candance said...

My daughter got it at Kohl's. That's just a picture I found on a website (I think from Lowe's) of it. I don't have the accessories yet. My mom is going to get them for me for Valentine's Day.

Okay, I just checked out your shower curtain you're considering. I LOVE IT!! That is so perfect and I love, love the shower curtain hooks!!