Friday, August 28, 2009

Reason #10,426 I'm a Bad Wedding Guest


Anyone who has been reading this blog for a while knows I have serious issues with marriage. Some of y'all may even remember back when I very first started it that I was actually engaged to be married to a boy but then realized I'd much rather wear white after Labor Day than be someone's better, superior, prettier and more sensible half, so I called that sucker off. Yeah, that went over like a fart in a church.

If you are my Facebook friend, you are aware that there is a wedding happening this weekend and that many of the wedding guests are staying in the house that I am currently staying in (and I'm going to make homemade Sangria cause getting drunk around a bunch of people you may or may not like is a brilliant idea). You may also know that I am not, in fact, attending this here wedding, the one I have been affectionately referring to as the groom's "first marriage", which no one in this house thinks is funny except me and it cracks me up every time I say it. I'm laughing right now from just typing it.

There are a couple of reasons I won't be in attendance. First of all, I have lots of friends that love each other but the state in which I reside and many other states in this great country feel that their love is not worthy of marriage and they are forbidden to be joined in holy (or whatever you want to call it) matrimony, even though the marriages of the couples I know that fall into this category are far more likely to last than the train wreck that's going down on Saturday. I'm just sayin'. The other reason is that I think I might actually be going insane and what little bit of a filter I had has apparently stopped working, so I just bust out with shit and since at least one side of the wedding couples' family knows me, they know I do not actually have a disorder that causes this other than meanness mixed with bitterness. I had actually planned to avoid all events leading up to the blessed nuptials tomorrow because I'm a lot of things, but a hypocrite ain't one of 'em and because I went to the bridal shower and the bride wasn't even wearing mascara which indicated to me right then and there that she wasn't raised right. My suspicions were confirmed last night when I was forced to attend the rehearsal dinner and she had on flip flops and her toenails were NOT painted. I don't know what this world is coming to. I really don't.

"Rehearsal dinner?!?!?" some of you are screaming in your head. "How did you end up there since you're not even going to the wedding?" you're asking (because my posts are so thought provoking). Two words, Kids: free booze. It gets me every time. Got me a baby about 12 years ago. Anyway, I had no intention of going to the damn thing, but Grace wanted to go and didn't want to go without me and my Travel Companion said the actual practicing for the wedding wouldn't take that long and that the dinner part was Mexican (my fave) and that there would be the free booze. You can't fight that.

On a side note, as we were getting ready to go the sky opened up and it began to storm and I was like, "Maybe they should take this as a sign" and Grace was like, "It could be that the rain is washing away all the old stuff and that this is a fresh, clear start for their new life" and I was like, "If you're going to act like Pollyanna, I'm pushing you out a window like that little bitch and then we'll see if your perky ass is playing the Glad game anymore" and she was like, "Two words for you old lady-nursing home" and then she stomped off. Okay, maybe it didn't go exactly like that, but it was close.

Anyway, we were late because of the storm and Travel Companion having to keep me from pushing Grace out a second story window and we got there like part way through the first dry run (which makes me want to say dry hump and that's just wrong) of the wedding. The wedding planner was all pissed at us and told TC he could go take his place with the other groomsmen and the family could enter the chapel and sit if they wanted to. Grace and TC's kid went, but I told them I'd sit it out in the lobby for everyone's sake. So, I'm hiding behind the water fountain while the bride chick's mom walks her down the aisle and the preacher guy starts talking and he says, "Who gives this woman to be married?" and I, of course rolled my eyes like I always do at that part and muttered to no one, "Why does she got to be given? She ain't property. She's a grown ass woman. She's there by choice or else cause she's knocked up and then it's probably not her choice. It'll be a cold day in hell when someone gives me to anyone." Then I cracked up because, it will indeed be a cold day in hell, but I bet my daddy sure wishes he could give me to someone and it would stick so he'd be rid of my high maintenance ass.

Then, I had my moment. This preacher dude said, "When you place Bride Chick's hand into Groom Dude's hand, you are handing over responsibility of her from you to her groom." RESPONSIBILITY?? Y'all, before I could stop myself, I said, real loud, "Oh hell no!!" Thankfully, no one heard my crazy deranged outburst. In an attempt to keep myself from busting up in there and asking them if this wedding was taking place in 1950 and if she'd also be keeping "obey" in her wedding vows, I sent Childhood Hispanic Friend the following text:

"Reason #10,000 I can't go to weddings: the preacher just asked who gives her and then said it's a symbol of the mother giving responsibility of her homely ass to the groom. She's a fucking Ph.D. She can take care of herself. And the bitch still ain't wearing mascara"

She didn't respond. Probably because it gets very tiring being my friend and she's been doing it for like 26 years. Poor woman is probably beat down. And a ghost is stealing her spoons, so she's got bigger fish to fry.

No one's giving me crap around the house about not going to the wedding anymore, though. Maybe I should scare them all tonight when we're liquored up on homemade Sangria and say I'm going. Just to see how they react.

That would be funny.


23 comments:

rosaleal said...

I apologize for not responding! I was running around like an old chicken with her head cut off!!! Trying to find my missing spoons!It did make me laugh though. So there's that.

Candance said...

It's fine. I was just giving you hell cause I know you read it. Plus, can you imagine if I hadn't sent you the text. I swear I'm turning into my Aunt Nellie more and more each day.

Lesa said...

All I can say is oh my....

Candance said...

You're going to stop reading my blog cause I'm mean, aren't you ;0)?

Barry Green said...

Gold. Pure gold.

Julia Eff said...

I had to go to my stepbrother's wedding on my thirteenth birthday. I now officially hate weddings. It was a whole week of my fat stepbrother and his tiny wife with no chin and deer-eyes and just THEM THEM THEM and no ME ME ME. The bride with no chin was the only one that actually remembered my birthday. Sad, very sad.

p.s. it irks me when people have split ends or aren't wearing socks. really, really, really.

Foursons said...

But wait...tell us how you REALLY feel!

Down Pillow said...

Girl- let us know the reactions when you "fake" announced you'd be attending! I'm in Ohio and I think that may have been the tremor I just felt!! lol

Michelle Hoad said...

No mascara? Please tell me she shaves her pits and isn't one of those granola crunching bunny huggers like we have here in Austin!

Lesa said...

nah...I'll keep reading...for some sick reason, (I'm yet to figure it out) yours is the first blog I pull up....
ok, so I went to see Julia and Julie or vice versa, I was at happy hour and some girls were leaving it to go to the movies to see it. It was good, but I digress....out of 4 of us there I was the only one to know what a blog was, to have a blog, and that actually read blogs...I could so relate to the movie (not because anyone reads mine, but I digress again!) how the hell do people live without catching up on all their bloggers lives on a daily (hourly) basis??? I will never know this answer...heaven help me if the internet goes down and I don't know what crazy texas mommy is doing next...(twitter is not thang) can you tell I went to happy hour/night and I am rambling??

kristentsetsi said...

The word "obey" appeared unexpectedly when I got married, once. (I was an irresponsible bride and didn't do a rehearsal, and was in fact almost late for my own wedding.)

At "obey," I hesitated, looked at the preacher lady (I didn't want her, but my husband did), and said it kind of quietly. Like, "I'll say it so I don't cause a ruckus, but I sure as hell don't mean it."

Obey! Puh-lease.

Lisa said...

Shameless plug:
"Cracker Queen" a memoir by Loretta Hanson - the anti-southern belle.

Kay said...

Shit. I'm just going to email this to my sister to explain why I won't be at her wedding next year. I'm sure it'll go over better than telling her that her groom is a douche and their "marriage" won't last 5 years because they're both immature, selfish little brats that don't have an ounce of loyalty in their bones.
Yep. Problem solved.

Will Burke said...

Freakin' Hillarious!
Oddly, I can't remember if "Obey" was said in our vows, but I don't think so. However, I really don't like the word "Husband." Husbandry = domestication, such as taking something wild and cultivating it to make it useful. I can't keep a plant alive, so any woman who needs cultivating would be too labor-intensive for my liking, and can take their high-maintainence asses elsewhere. I call her my "Other-Sex Partner." ;)

Anonymous said...

Was the bride a Southern girl born and raised because i do believe the are laws about such behavior in most of the confederate states including Texas! I might be wrong but......my my mymymy Now my Daddy will play the Hallelujah chorus if I EVER take that walk! in fact he may hurtle me at the groom! Y'all are welcome to watch if you want a good show! I might put it on utube just because I can!

Sally's World said...

LMAO...fabulous x

Candance said...

Barry Green: Thanks!! That totally made my day!

Julia Eff: I totally envisioned "Sixteen Candles" when I read your comment. Then I wondered if the bride would get deer in the headlight look if you tried to hit her with a car. I'd had a lot to drink at the time, so I can't be responsible for anything I did.

I hate splint ends and people who don't wear socks and have jacked up feet.

Foursons: Oh, I did when the booze started flowing. Or at least a little bit, anyway. It was pretty funny, I hear. Okay, what I heard I said was funny but the person I said it to was not laughing because he has no sense of humor.

Down Pillow: There is a post forthcoming about all that.

Michelle: I have no clue. She doesn't seem very cool, just plain, so I think she just doesn't know how to be a girl. She had to go get her hair and make-up done for the wedding to which I yelled, after the drinky, "WHY? Y'ALL CAN'T EVEN DO YOUR OWN MAKE-UP AND HAIR?" Awkward.

Lesa: Oh, how I love you.

kristen: I wasn't even going to have an actual wedding. I was going to have a handfasting because of all the love, honor, obey shit.

I also laughed really hard at you when I read this. The entire comment made me snort. Seriously.

Lisa: Well, girlfriend, if you're shamelessly plugging over here you are probably intimately involved with the book so, a) If you wrote it, I'd like a scholarship to the Down Home writing seminar (or whatever it's called) in February and a signed copy of the book sent to my house to read; b) if you published it, look around Sister, I am funny and entertaining as shit. You should make me published, too and I would like enough of an advance to purchase a piece of land without neighbors and build a home with a tin roof on it and not have to work so I can write a whole real book about me and my people; and c) I don't have a "c" but it looked like there needed to be one right there.

Kay: Totally use it, Girl. You have my permission. Just put, "Dear Immature Sister Marrying the Douche" up there and fire away. It's my honor to help.

Will Burke: You cracked me up on your blog, too. That is why I now follow you. No husbands for me. Gene Simmons and Sharon Whats-Her-Face have shacked up for years and are happy. No titles. No crap. Just happily shacking up. Of course, that means I'd have to find someone to shack up with that I don't want to cut their man parts off. So far, not so good.

Anonymous: Someone said California. I believe it, not that I have anything against California. But, we have rules in the South.

Sally: Glad you're back and that I made you laugh!!

Certified Army Wife said...

Oh My Gosh you crack me up!

Julie said...

Dang, you make the same comments my friends and I would have made. LOL

Greta said...

Absolutely priceless! Read your blog daily for a great laugh! I don't know you, but I can hear you saying, "Oh hell no!" I would've too! You're great! Keep it up!

GunDiva said...

How. Did. I. Miss. This? Really? I'm astounded at the number of posts I've missed.

I just have a question? I don't wear mascara (but I do get routine pedicures) - can we still be friends?

Amy Garnett said...

This completely cracks me up. I'm so jealous of your ability to be honest, even when it causes total and completely awkwardness. ha When my friends ask for advice now, I'm gonna say "You want my opinion or do you want me to go all CTM on you and tell you the REAL truth?"

Candance said...

OMG, Amy, thank you for making my day!! I say totally get all CTM on people. At first they freak out, but after while they just shut the hell up and leave you alone because they are scared of the words coming out of your mouth.