The clouds are rotating and yet another person knows I'm going to be on the news one day.

When the name of my town actually makes the news, it's never because of things that are good. For example, we once made headlines because nude photos of a former mayor were found in the attic of city hall after one floated down from the ceiling during a city council meeting. Right now, they're saying our name due to tornadoes all around us and, at one point, headed right towards us. Because I have the greatest friends ever, everyone started texting me to make sure the kids and I were okay. We are fine except that it's hailing right now. Luckily, my patio table spontaneously combusted earlier today so I don't have to worry about it shattering. Now. 

Okay, back to the texts. Everyone was making sure we were okay and I told my friend teacher Lindsay (she's my local partner in crime) I made Grace and the cat get in the bathtub and I was thinking about going outside to see what was going on.

Her response?

"You might should hop in, too. You're the crazy lady who gets blown away in the storm because you wanted to see it. I've seen people like you on the news." 

She made me snort.

But she's not the first person to tell me they've seen people like me on the news. 

Or that I'll be on the news. 

And not for anything good, just like my town.

The fact he's a WWII buff should've been a tip-off to my Gracie

Max is in a major WWII phase right now. He studies it constantly and also recently announced he's a Jew. Seriously, he walked in the living room one night and said, "Mom, I think I'm a Jew." He's asked for a copy of the Torah. I'll probably get him one. The next time I'm at Barnes and Noble? 

He really is smarter than the rest of us.
Combined.
Not that it's all that hard.

Anywho, as part of his WWII obsession, he wants to watch good movies about the war. He wants movies not focused on the action but that really tell the story of the people involved. As part of his quest, he decided to ask Grace and me for our movie picks. The following is a re-enactment of our conversation:

Me: Why don't you watch Pearl Harbor?

Max: That's a Michael Bey movie.

Grace and Me: So????

Max: It'll be too focused on the action. 

Me: Okkkaaaayyy. What about the one about the Tuskegee Airmen?

Max: It's called Red Tails and it's not on there.

Grace: Yeah, Mom, do you think he can spell Tuskegee? I can't even spell it.

Me: As a matter of fact, I do. Spell it, Max.

Max: T-u-s-k-e-g-e-e.

Grace: Shut up.

She knows I say I have a pretty kid who sings well and a smart kid. I thought she knew which one she was. 

But, then again...

I think I need a Little Orphan Annie decoder ring for this mess

I normally wouldn't do something this petty, but because I love y'all and this crap is too good not to share, I'm going to let you read (or try to decode) a series of e-mails I received from NJ's ex-wife last evening. Why in the world she thought getting a message to him via me was a good idea is beyond me, especially since he's been ignoring her calls and texts over the situation for a couple of months. Apparently, she has trouble grasping no response =I don't want to talk to you. This is not surprising because, as you will see, she also has trouble grasping the English language. Example 1 (my comments are in red beside it):

Jennie Price

hello
I'm sure you're shocked to be getting a message from me... but I need you to get a message to Nathan (I need you to look up the proper use of an ellipsis).
I have recently found two large boxes... containing item that has I believe he would want... that may be worth some money or at least sentimental value to him. I need to know if you wants these items (The fact he hasn't responded to your numerous calls and texts would indicate a no, methinks.). I have no use for them or room. so I need an answer soon so I can mail them. or I will be getting rid of them. please and thank you. he has my number have him contact me. (Capitalize much?)

My response was actually pretty nice. I even took the co-conspiritial girl approach and said his stuff from MO is kind of tacky, so if the box never made it here, I wouldn't be sad. I guess she took offense to that. Probably because she helped decorate their home. I give her credit for figuring out that was a dig against her. Her response:

Jennie Price

Ok well it isn't trash.. Was trying too be nice..I wouldn't like to see my husbands ex"s number on his phone if they don't have children. I wasn't being a Bitch (Now she decides to use a capital letter?) so please stop being that way to me..I know u love him and he loves u so I am not going to expect a response from him and figured since u love him u would want him to have his things that have nothing to do with me..and if him talking to my family bothers u ..u may want to evaluate your maturity level..cause it has nothing to do with me...but apparently if u do not want to act ur age I need not bother respecting my elders(Ahhh, yes, play the "you're old, I'm young card)...have a wonderful night..either u respect him and will tell him or u don't and won't...last time I take ur feelings into consideration...God bless (Really?)

I was sad she didn't realize what it was when I am really a bitch, so I let my bitch fly on her. It felt good.

Are you kidding me? When the hell have you ever given anyone's feelings other than your own a consideration? I need to act my age? Does repeatedly squeezing out offspring by a married man make you mature? Spare me, Little Girl. You have no idea what it is to be an adult, and don't pull the whole bs about how you've been to war. I went through it with my ex-husband and being an Officer's wife isn't exactly a walk in the park, especially when you're a pacifist. Call Nathan. Text him. E-mail him. I care way less than you think I do about what he does or who he talks to and I could care less whose number is in his phone. Why would I waste my time looking? My life doesn't revolve around him and actually has very little to do with him other than having his last name. I had no issue with your parents disrespecting your boyfriend/husband/ father of however many of your children by staying in constant contact with Nathan until your mother wrote some asinine letter to Him regarding telling me stuff so I'd "feel better." You people are barely a blip on my radar. I wasn't surprised to hear from you. My initial thought was that you were one of my former students because I didn't recognize your name. Don't contact me again.

Apparently she has comprehension issues as well, because "don't contact me again" was lost on her.


Jennie Price

Ymmv (Due to my extreme age, I am confused. Is this some code the young kids use?) .thats why I have a masters degree (obviously) and have a engineers certificate I aviation at 26..and don't have to work but get to be with my babies cause a great man UN like u will ever meet loves me and my babies...sucked to be u. Texas is great unless ur old dry and fat...so Fuck off Bitch..stop hate"n on me cause ya jelous..cause God loves me and my woman parts still work..God gives the diserving (I think she meant deserving, but diserving is kind of funny) the ability and gives the great the means to continue...sorry your so angry and couldn't just tell him..instead u had to show ur hate..and stupidity and jealousy..now go cry itself (Is my uterus supposed to cry itself to sleep or my ovaries?) to sleep because it's the only thing that can still self lubricate....(Her obsession with lubrication and my lady parts in a tad disturbing.)

She left the door wide open for me to be petty. 

You have a master's degree! That's hilarious. Not with that atrocious grammar. You couldn't spell dissertation, much less write one, Spare me your pettiness and, so you know, using the unladylike "f" word while simultaneously talking about God blessing you makes you look even more stupid than your inability to use punctuation and capitalization, bless your heart.

And that went over like a fart in a church:

Jennie Price

Sorry I talk to my stupid.phone( Wrong. You're phone knows the proper use of an ellipses because it's a SMART PHONE)..cause IM defiantly not gonna put forth the effort to text with my hand for u..i help all gods creatures but no u..dont think u qualify...u defiantly made it past the evolution jump by mistake...ur mothers ass was apparently to big to shoot over (Yeah well, your mama's so fat...wait, are we on the playground?)..now go talk to the other low life beings u call friends..thank God for the future...that's why u can't procreate (Just because you can doesn't mean you should and, uh, I think these two younger smaller people who live with me are children.)...and I just can't stop...a higher being..I shall sleep well..do us a favor and put ya self down....bye honey..yall havs a real goods times there in texass..dumb add hooker (Are we rapping now?)

There's a reason I had him first and u had him last (technically I had him in fourth grade, which was before she was even born but there is a reason she married him first-he moved when we were 11)..and even though u climbed out of the shit u call ur mom (Ohhh, she's talking about my mama.) first I will die last ..just remember that..I left him (The leaving was kind of inevitable since you had someone else's baby in your belly)...u knew I had better( Uh, don't even know ya. But, I think since he left his three or four kids and wife to be with you, y'all are evenly matched)..and ur the one who looked at my trash and saw gold..go Fuck urself..

As I re-read these this morning, I couldn't help but laugh. First, I have no idea what the hell she was saying because I speak English and second, the parts I did make out were so childish I didn't know if I was sparring with a grown woman who has like three kids (and plans to keep producing which should make us all nervous because she's too drunk to be a mother most of the time) or a third grader who is stomping their feet and throwing a temper tantrum.

I finally blocked her, but not before I told her thanks for all the revising and editing bellwork she just provided me once I edit out her potty mouth.

And her strange obsession with lubrication.

If you bet we wouldn't last a year....

You owe somebody some money.

That's right-NJ and I have been married one year today and no one has died of natural (or suspicious) causes as of yet (other than my FIL, but we knew that was coming). It hasn't been easy not to kill each other and, with all we've been through in the last year, it seems more like 10 years than one. But, I don't hate him, even though I do like to remind him constantly that he married above himself this time and that I don't need him, I choose him and I'm prone to change my mind. 

I think this is where I'm supposed to say something mushy about marrying my best friend, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I've had the same best friends since I was seven and 14 and I have the SGG. He's not my best friend. He's a boy. But he makes me laugh. Granted, it's mostly at him, but whatever. We just aren't romantic people. We know how we feel about each other without getting all flowery and poetic at each other. 

However, he is driving 14 hours home as I type this after working all night so he can spend our first anniversary with me. He totally surprised me last night with this info, after leading me to think he wouldn't be coming all week. Now I have to go buy him a present. But, I think it's pretty damn cool he'd do that and I guess I'll probably be nice to him for 24 hours. 

So, yeah, no romantic mushy crap here. We made it a year. He can be a pretty alright guy sometimes, so he's worth another year. 

Maybe even two.

If the process of obtaining the permit is an indicator of future events, we are in for one helluva ride.

*When your girl child has just earned her learner's permit and you're looking for a catchy title to the post about this historic (not in an MLK Jr. or JKF way, but in more of a Bonnie and Clyde or Jesse James sort of way) event, don't google "songs about driving". Most of them are less about driving and more about what one can do inside the car, which will cause one mother who is already on the verge of a nervous breakdown to go slipping right over the edge.

This girl now has a driving permit:

My hope for everyone is that she will
drive with her eyes open, regardless of how
excited she may be to be on the open road.
I'm not counting on it-just hoping.

She could've had it a month ago, but I lost her birth certificate and all this other, really important stuff kept getting in the way of me going to get a new one. even though all they had to do was print it out. I had to train for my new job. And crochet penises. 

Fine, I was stalling. 

Anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time or knows us in real person knows exactly why. I have a smart kid and pretty kid who sings well. Guess which one she is.

Need help?

Yesterday, when I went to check her out of school, she was all, "Did you look at the checklist and make sure you have all the documents we need?" Uh, yeah, and we don't, which is why we're going to get your birth certificate. Turns out, we were missing two forms, which resulted in many tears and a hateful 15-year-old-hormonal-asshat-girl meltdown. 

The two forms? Were her responsibility. So, in retaliation, I had a hateful 37-year-old-hormal-asshat-woman meltdown. Mine was way better due to years of experience. 

While we waited for the two forms, I made her take a practice test. She quickly became confused and said, "This test is asking me about driving in cities. I don't drive in cities, so I only memorized the parts about driving in small towns and on farm roads." 

Come again?

"Grace, the test doesn't know you live in a small town and you will drive in a city at sometime, so you have to know all the rules." 

She was dumbfounded.

I was terrified. 

Of course, not as terrified as I was when the lady next to us at the DMV was getting her picture taken and, after the employee had to re-take the pic three times because she wasn't "looking at the camera" the person with her finally said, "She's looking at the camera. She's just a little cross-eyed." The lady working with us and I looked at each other, looked at the other employee and then looked at the cross-eyed lady to see if she was, in fact, that cross-eyed. Girlfriend was, but she drove out of there with her freshly renewed license. 

After Grace took her test and passed, sending me into heart failure, she confessed she barely passed it. "I'm glad they had all those street signs on there, because I don't know anything about speed through certain areas or distance. I can just eyeball when I need to dim my brights when another car is coming." 

"Really? You can eyeball it? Cause you've been driving for so long?" I asked, wondering exactly what the distance was to dim the lights because I always just eyeball it, but I've been driving for 21 years, so I can do that and wondering what speed zones threw her off. School zones? Neighborhoods? The areas with the sign posted with specific numbers she thinks are merely a suggestion?

"No, but I've been a passenger for 15. I've picked up a few things." 

Oh good. 

Leiah did manage to make me feel a little better when she said now the SGG has another designated driver. Between the petites and our SGG-in-Training, we're up to three. I never thought Grace might be what was standing between me and a jail cell. 

I always figured she'd be what put me in one. 

The next six months? Are going to be bumpy. 

And scary.

And something tells me really expensive.