*When your girl child has just earned her learner's permit and you're looking for a catchy title to the post about this historic (not in an MLK Jr. or JKF way, but in more of a Bonnie and Clyde or Jesse James sort of way) event, don't google "songs about driving". Most of them are less about driving and more about what one can do inside the car, which will cause one mother who is already on the verge of a nervous breakdown to go slipping right over the edge.
This girl now has a driving permit:
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My hope for everyone is that she will drive with her eyes open, regardless of how excited she may be to be on the open road. I'm not counting on it-just hoping.
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She could've had it a month ago, but I lost her birth certificate and all this other, really important stuff kept getting in the way of me going to get a new one. even though all they had to do was print it out. I had to train for my new job. And crochet penises.
Fine, I was stalling.
Anyone who has read this blog for any amount of time or knows us in real person knows exactly why. I have a smart kid and pretty kid who sings well. Guess which one she is.
Yesterday, when I went to check her out of school, she was all, "Did you look at the checklist and make sure you have all the documents we need?" Uh, yeah, and we don't, which is why we're going to get your birth certificate. Turns out, we were missing two forms, which resulted in many tears and a hateful 15-year-old-hormonal-asshat-girl meltdown.
The two forms? Were her responsibility. So, in retaliation, I had a hateful 37-year-old-hormal-asshat-woman meltdown. Mine was way better due to years of experience.
While we waited for the two forms, I made her take a practice test. She quickly became confused and said, "This test is asking me about driving in cities. I don't drive in cities, so I only memorized the parts about driving in small towns and on farm roads."
Come again?
"Grace, the test doesn't know you live in a small town and you will drive in a city at sometime, so you have to know all the rules."
She was dumbfounded.
I was terrified.
Of course, not as terrified as I was when the lady next to us at the DMV was getting her picture taken and, after the employee had to re-take the pic three times because she wasn't "looking at the camera" the person with her finally said, "She's looking at the camera. She's just a little cross-eyed." The lady working with us and I looked at each other, looked at the other employee and then looked at the cross-eyed lady to see if she was, in fact, that cross-eyed. Girlfriend was, but she drove out of there with her freshly renewed license.
After Grace took her test and passed, sending me into heart failure, she confessed she barely passed it. "I'm glad they had all those street signs on there, because I don't know anything about speed through certain areas or distance. I can just eyeball when I need to dim my brights when another car is coming."
"Really? You can eyeball it? Cause you've been driving for so long?" I asked, wondering exactly what the distance was to dim the lights because I always just eyeball it, but I've been driving for 21 years, so I can do that and wondering what speed zones threw her off. School zones? Neighborhoods? The areas with the sign posted with specific numbers she thinks are merely a suggestion?
"No, but I've been a passenger for 15. I've picked up a few things."
Oh good.
Leiah did manage to make me feel a little better when she said now the SGG has another designated driver. Between the petites and our SGG-in-Training, we're up to three. I never thought Grace might be what was standing between me and a jail cell.
I always figured she'd be what put me in one.
The next six months? Are going to be bumpy.
And scary.
And something tells me really expensive.