Thursday, July 31, 2014

Sometimes I say things my kids will never, ever let me live down.

Yesterday, the kids and I made what was supposed to be a quick trip to Sam's. As so often happens when one ventures to Sam's, it was anything but.

Max was so over the entire thing, he started saying, really loud, while we were checking out, "It'll be quick, they said! We're only getting a couple of things, they said!" 

Grace saw the death stare come into my eyes and whisked him away to get an Icee-her treat.

But, once we got outside, he was still a little moody. Especially when I told him the model he wanted to buy would have to wait one more day because I let him get ice cream and it would melt before we got home if we stopped.

He was not pleased.

And I was frustrated.

So, I said, really loud, "Dude, I let you get ice cream!" Then I grabbed the roll of Jimmy Dean sausage I bought and began waving it around like a lunatic, "And, I bought you sausage because I know how you love a good sausage!" 

Grace stopped putting stuff in bags, due to laughing really hard and saying over-and-over, "You. Said. He. Likes. A. Good. Sausage."

Max couldn't even be mad anymore because a) he was too busy laughing and b) they now had something else to hold over my head.

For almost 24-hours, do you know how many times I've heard:

"Well, Max likes a good sausage."

"You know how much I like a good sausage."

"Maybe none of this would've happened if you'd just made a good sausage."

I have a feeling it's going to be a long time before I live this one down.

Monday, July 28, 2014

I bet Max is really glad to be home

As is so often the case of children with divorced parents, Max has spent the majority of the summer with his dad. He did go on a four day tour of Mississippi and Louisiana with Grace and I where, at the Vicksburg Battleground, he told Grace and I if Tammy was real it would be us because we're that trashy. 

Standing on the steps of a house on the battlefield hollering, "You yankees get out of my yard!" is not trashy. It's hilarious.

He obviously has no sense of humor. 

Trashy isn't the only thing this one earned us.
Whatever. Grace is so gangster, she's so thug,
he better not mess with her. Yo.

And I'm sure he was thankful when his dad pulled up to get him in yet another new-to-him-luxury vehicle because he's having some sort of mid-life crisis and has to get a different car every six months and this time it's a convertible, so he just looks ridiculous. 

But, after two long weeks away, my baby returned home for four days around 2:00 this afternoon.

In that time, I've made him touch my biceps. Twice.

I asked him if I looked like I lost weight. Being a far wiser man than his step-father, he said yes. He even said he normally doesn't notice weight changes in people, but I've really lost a lot. He's wise, that one.

I made him look at my biceps.

I told him to follow me to the "gun show." 

After a while, his face started to get that pinched look he got in Vicksburg, so I took him to get ice cream. 

Then I made him look at my biceps again. 

Mostly because they weren't this big last time he saw me.

And they're way bigger than his dad's.

He finally told me I looked like Hulk Hogan (I don't think he meant it), so I stopped. 

For today.

But, tomorrow night I have bootcamp...

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Apparently there are a whole bunch of "Christians" who hate feminists.

You know how sometimes something will come across your newsfeed on Facebook that makes you go, "What?!?" and then you have to read it again to make sure you actually read it correctly because it seemed really, really bizarre? That totally happened to me today when I read a comment someone left on a post that I was pretty sure was super radical just to generate a lot of comments and drive traffic to a certain blog (which is why I'm not linking to it here). The comment said something along the lines that feminism is a disgrace and has been an embarrassment since its inception. 

And the comment was made by a woman. 

I read it several times to see if maybe a comma or something was being left out, therefore changing the meaning of the comment, but there wasn't.

This woman straight up thought feminism was disgraceful. 

So I googled, "Do Christians hate feminists?"

Turns out, a lot of them do. 

And a lot of them are women. 

It seems to be based on two things:

1) Bible verses, particularly one in Titus that says, "But as for you, teach what accords with sound doctrine. Older men are to be sober-minded, dignified, self-controlled, sound in faith, in love, and in steadfastness. Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled."

But, I'm not going to give them a bunch of crap about that, because I'm sure they're just as passionate about living this Bible verse from Leviticus exactly as it is written:

"19 "Whenever a woman has her menstrual period, she will be ceremonially unclean for seven days. If you touch her during that time, you will be defiled until evening. 20 Anything on which she lies or sits during that time will be defiled. 21 If you touch her bed, you must wash your clothes and bathe in water, and you will remain defiled until evening. 22 The same applies if you touch an object on which she sits, 23 whether it is her bedding or any piece of furniture. 24 If a man has sexual intercourse with her during this time, her menstrual impurity will be transmitted to him. He will remain defiled for seven days, and any bed on which he lies will be defiled." 25 "If the menstrual flow of blood continues for many days beyond the normal period, or if she discharges blood unrelated to her menstruation, the woman will be ceremonially unclean as long as the discharge continues. 26 Anything on which she lies or sits during that time will be defiled, just as it would be during her normal menstrual period. 27 If you touch her bed or anything on which she sits, you will be defiled. You will be required to wash your clothes and bathe in water, and you will remain defiled until evening." 28 "When the woman's menstrual discharge stops, she must count off a period of seven days. After that, she will be ceremonially clean. 29 On the eighth day, she must bring two turtledoves or two young pigeons and present them to the priest at the entrance of the Tabernacle.30 The priest will offer one for a sin offering and the other for a whole burnt offering. In this way, the priest will make atonement for her before the LORD for her menstrual discharge." 31 "In this way, you will keep the people of Israel separate from things that will defile them, so they will not die as a result of defiling my Tabernacle that is right there among them. 32 These are the instructions for dealing with a man who has been defiled by a genital discharge or an emission of semen; 33 for dealing with a woman during her monthly menstrual period; for dealing with anyone, man or woman, who has had a bodily discharge of any kind; and for dealing with a man who has had intercourse with a woman during her period."

2) I'm pretty sure they think all feminists are trying to get them to abort their babies and leave their husbands. One of the women haters also seems to think we all walk around topless. I can't speak for all feminists, but I myself feel pretty strongly about keeping my shirt on, whether I'm in the house or outside. Hell, I even try to wear a bra as often as possible. You're welcome.

That's not even what feminism is about. The actual, official definition of feminism from the people over at Merriam-Webster is "the theory of political, economic and social equality for sexes." I mean, I'm sure there are groups of feminists who want you to abort your babies and leave your husbands (and I guess who walk around topless), just like there are groups of "Christians" who blow-up abortion clinics and believe the only purpose women serve is to have babies and take care of a house.

Both of those groups? Represent extremes. 

Therefore, those "Christians" doing the hating really don't need to lump all of us feminists in to one big group and hate every last one of us unless we get to lump all "Christians" in to one big group and hate every last one of them. That would be sad because I'd lose a few friends (not a lot because that particular demographic doesn't want to play with me all that often, which is totally their loss because I'm awesome). 

And, seriously, accuse all of us of being topless one more time, and I'm going to the priest and telling him you rolled around on every pew in the tabernacle while you were having your menstrual period and you didn't wash anything. 

(Maybe I'm not that awesome.)

Saturday, July 26, 2014

I'm sure lockjaw is everyone's go-to disease

(Two posts in two days after two months of being gone. I know, it's like Christmas and your birthday all in one. I'm trying to get back in the groove, so I'm scheduling time for the writing. I didn't realized how much I missed it.)

Last night I had a horrible sinus headache. Horrible. I took meds and passed out, but when I woke up at 3:00 AM, it still hurt really bad and I had a new symptom.

My jaw hurt so bad. So, so bad. 

My logical brain knows I'm a teeth grinder. It also knows I've been grinding my teeth like crazy the past few days.

But, my crazy brain remembered I cut my hand on a rusty stake that holds up the fence around my watermelon two days ago when I was mowing. It also remembered I haven't had a tetanus shot since I was pregnant with Max.

That part of my brain decided I had lockjaw. 

I don't even know what the symptoms of lockjaw are (I do now. Probably shouldn't have googled that), but I was up for a couple of hours waiting for them to overtake take me.

I was going to say one of these is probably in my future,
but then I saw the Diphtheria part of the title, and
now I want to know what the hell that is, but I'm
too scared to google it.

Then I woke up at 8:00, happy to still be able to move my incredibly sore jaw and not be dead. I'm pretty sure you don't die from lockjaw, but when I was little I read a book about a little Native American boy who befriended a little white girl and then he got lockjaw and died. It's stuck with me all these years. 

When I told Grace how close she came to losing me to lockjaw this morning, she just laughed and laughed and said, "If you had lockjaw, you'd just have to lay for hours and hours and wouldn't be able to call me to help you."

Then she laughed some more.

And, if I was quiet for hours she wouldn't come check on me?!?! 

She's an asshole. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

Now I understand why Grace looked so frightened when I said I was going to the Christian bookstore.

(I'm baaaaccckkkk!!) 

Grace recently got a job at a little girl's clothing store chain and today was her first day of work. It was an unplanned day-they called her in because a shift suddenly opened. It just so happens, today I also had training (and I got to meet a reader and she is super awesome and we sent a picture to Barry over at Liberally Lean letting him know I'd been found) and took Grace's truck instead of my car because a) driving a standard in traffic blows and b) black leather seats + 101 degree temps=no skin left on the back of the legs. 

Oh the dilemma that put Sister in. 

She did end up getting to work (due to being a super awesome, dedicated little employee) but needed me to pick her up. I got back in town too late to come home, but a little before she got off work, so I ran in and told her I was going to the Christian bookstore next to her work.

She looked both terrified and confused all at once.

I was like, "Dude, I'm not going in to scream things about birth control and feminism. They have teacher stuff." 

They do have cute classroom decorations and I knew they had a ton of homeschool stuff, but I have to run past it with my eyes closed because I had several kids in class last year who had been homeschooled up to the point I got them and they were so far behind it was sad and terrifying all at the same time. 

But, I had no idea they had actual classroom materials for real, school classrooms in both science and social studies. Okay, to be honest, I didn't even really think science and social studies curriculum for the mainstream classroom was something a Christian bookstore would delve into because, you know, their beliefs versus other people's beliefs and the stink all that causes.

And, for all I know, it may not be mainstream stuff. I was too scared to open any of them for fear I'd start screaming obscenities and I think they'd frown on that in the Christian store.

But I did post it on Facebook. 

Which led my friend, Dan, to comment: You should sit on the floor and read for 5 minutes one of their "science" books. Then bust out laughing and yell "ya'll have the best comedy books in town"

Which, in turn led to me busting out laughing. While standing in the sticker aisle. Alone. I will say, as one totally obsessed with stickers, I was a little overwhelmed with emotion at all those rows and rows of stickers.

When I laughed so loud, alone, a worker came around the corner with a confused look on her face and was like, "Do you need help?" 

She wasn't specific about what kind of help. 

Then, Grace got off work and came over. While I struggled with what font cutouts to get for my classroom assignment trays, Grace said something that prompted me to yell, "Are you high?!?!" 

Really, really loud.

I can't even remember what she said because, guess who was on the next aisle over. 

I just put down the numbers I had in my hand and headed for the exit. 

That lady watched us out of the corner of her eye the whole way out of that store. 

I really felt like it was this lady watching me leave the

Of course, now I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place because they know I'm a heathen lady. 

But, man, that sticker aisle...